melt down

well i just posted the utube link and it worked, which is cool.

today is saturday the 12th, we have been here two weeks and it has been sunny and gorgeous every day, except for yesterday when it rained most of the day. i sat out on the porch most of the day and either did mantra or read my book. it was cool, the ocean was very stormy and the dolphins lazed and swam out in front most of the day. every once in a while a big wave would come and they would all race to catch it and jump out the face of the wave or off the back. they seem to be much more playful here than they are at home, as i really never see them playing this much. there were some kids that were boggie boarding out front, mostly getting TOAD rides (that stands for Take Off and Die).

the other really cool thing that happened was a parrot came and sat on the rail of the porch and looked at me for about a minute. his buddy wasn't brave enough and sat up on the roof and chatttered to him the whole time about how dangerous it was to be sitting that close to a human being. i think he was trying to cheer me up since i was having an awful day. i think the dolphins were too

Now why might you ask was I having a horrid day when I was in paradise. Good question!! As Greg would say I tend to let myself get wound up about things that don’t matter. (what does matter I ask sometimes?) What I was outwardly upset about was we have been trying for literally two weeks now to get our travel plans for Vietnam cemented and nailed down. The travel agency finally realized they sent the last email to qmail instead of gmail….so we have been waiting for 3 days to hear the final arrangements. When we finally got them they had left off the main thing I had been telling them since the beginning I wanted to do which was go to a big market up in the northern mountains. I guess I was disappointed. Anyway I humped around in a bad mood all day and Greg had to have a grouch for a partner. Greg is unflappable which makes me even madder at these times when I am not unflappable. And I couldn’t even go for a walk because it was raining. I went once when I thought it was clearing and got soaked (my new rain jacket kept my top really dry though.)

This next part you may want to skip as I am going to do some self-analysis, pretty boring when you aren’t the self.

I have realized in this time of travel, that I really need time to myself, and I cannot be social all the time. When we were in Fiji there was pretty much someone around at all times. I was not getting up early to meditate because we were getting up early to surf, and my body was tired after 4 hours of surfing most days. So I felt much better if I took some time each day to even sit by the ocean by myself.

Even as much as I love Greg I cannot stand to be around him all the time either. We have been doing most things together here in AU and that is kind of starting to wear me down too. I am used to having my own schedule and means to do what I want when I want to. Is this a control issue? Probably some.

Sometimes I feel like I fall into a hole and can’t get out of it. Rationally I know all the things I should do to extract myself, but even when I try to do those things they don’t help. And I am very hard on myself for falling in the hole in the first place. To hard, why can’t I have compassion for myself? Hummm. I have much compassion for those that deal with depression on an ongoing basis, wow it is hard. I wonder how much of my feelings and lack of them have to do with my hormones levels?

This is a repeating theme in my life, fortunately it is happening less often than it used to. Progress is so slow it seems. I am reading a good book given to me by Moet, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is a woman in her mid thirties that has gone through a recent divorce and her journey in finding herself again. Sounds trite, but she has a great view on life. It is a good time for me to be reading this book.

The sun is very shiny today and I feel better than I did yesterday thank goodness. I still have to tell you about the adventure we took to byron bay the other day. It is very different from yamba, more like an Australian Santa Barbara. Yamba is very poor, although that is changing as the highway is improved, making Yamba much more accessible to those that live in Brisbane. But we will get to this topic next time.

Cherrio mate….km (I am glad I did not expect greg to write a lot on this blog, I thought he would want to though!! Such has not been the case.)